Why?

Why a bachelor's degree in Special Needs? Why go back to college? Why go through the frustration of realizing all the things I don't know and the exhausting effort of learning them?

I feared this question more than the cockroaches in my kitchen. 

I mumbled something about stigma and society in my admission interview. 

I deflected the question once again this week. 

But the truth is I've been asking myself the same question 1000 times. And in order to sit down at my laptop and do my homework, in order to read a number of books that I barely understand and in order to wake up every morning to go to school, I answer this question every day. Why? Because I need to find the place where I belong. Professionally, at least. Because I HAVE TO. I have to do this, I don't have another option. I don't give myself another option. I can't snap out of it. I can't forget autism. I can't not see the stigma. I can't pretend it didn't touch my life. I can't shake it out of my heart. 

I have never been happier in my life than I am since I started this college. I never loved going to school before. I never spent hours with a friend talking about what my ridiculously intelligent teacher said in class. I never bought books and started preparing an essay two months ahead of a deadline. I never waited for Monday and started crying when a class got canceled. This is better than I hoped. These people are amazing and they raise the stakes even higher. I promised myself I'll go gentle. I promised myself I'll accept my limits, yet here I am dreaming psychology terms I don't even know the meaning of. 

Why? Not just because it makes me happy. Happiness is not enough and happiness never lasts. Because it gives me peace of mind. Because I can breathe. I can come home and breathe. I don't think of autism every minute anymore. I don't feel useless anymore. I don't feel like I am not doing anything anymore. All those plans and dreams that I can not fulfill right now? I am fine with them. Because I know this will help me make them even better in the future. I feel the pain of growth. I am scared of failing. But I can breathe. After these years that felt like a millennia, I can finally breathe. 

And I have to trust myself that I can do this. Because it's worth it. Because it's what I'm supposed to do and it's where I belong. Under-read and all and without any idea what "epistemology" means. I wrote the definition down 3 times. Please don't bother.