I've noticed I find it hard to be genuine around people asking about my career, my plans for the future and why I've chosen to give up ambitions of being successful or moving to a different orchestra or even furthering my studies. I have chosen to specialize in something else instead. I've chosen to be fulfilled by what I have and be my best in this particular circumstance, I have chosen for my life and myself to be enough for me as is. People ask why. People start preaching that we (and by we they condescendly mean the entire human race apparently) have to strive for better, work harder, want more and achieve more. They say we should live up to our potential but what they actually mean is we should never be happy and fulfilled by what we have but constantly kill ourselves for more. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that there are gifted and talented people in the world who always have something to work towards, who always have something to dream about and a goal set in their minds and I respect that. I really do. But it's not me. Maybe it's because some of the very people who are now asking me what am I doing are the ones who years ago told me I would never amount to anything. The same people I had to prove myself to over and over again. The same people for which I was never enough. And now they're asking me with genuine surprise how come I have become enough for myself. How come I've become happy with who I am, at peace with my limits, proud of my achievements, however small they might be.
To be honest, I have just one answer: autism.
It was autism that taught me to be thankful for everything that I have. Because when a kid who doesn't speak utters one syllable to you, you treasure that syllable like your most valuable possesion. When a child who doesn't let anyone touch him gives you a hug, you feel like the luckiest person in the world. And then, all of a sudden, after many sleepless nights, after thousands of pages of strategies and forums and support groups, even when you lose what you held most dear you find something you might have never had before: perspective. You realize everything, every little thing, is a blessing. And I for one simply stopped having any ambition but that of making this world a more comfortable place for those I love. Not a pressurized place. Not a race for success and reputation. Not an endless fight for achievements. A comfortable place. A safe and loving place.
Also, in the midst of autism I learned I could never be the best. I could never be everything. I could never learn everything, know everything, understand everything. There would always be an unexpected turn along the way that would leave me baffled and helpless. There would always be so much that I can't control. And I used to feel so lost and useless when that happened. So defeated. So broken. And I would spend hours asking myself where did I go wrong, where did I fail. I probably didn't read enough, learn enough, listen enough. I probably lacked something essencial in my being. It was all my fault. And as I kept working with kids everythig became so much clearer. I was doing the best that I could and I was ok. They felt my love. Some of them I actually spoiled too much. But they felt my love. I knew that. I know that. I am sure of it. And I am sure that I am doing the right thing, in my own time and with the resources that I have. And I decided to offer myself the same patience, love and kindness that I offer my kids. I am gentle with myself now. So yes, in my proffessional life I chose not to worry myself and beat myself for things beyond my reach. But I do have dreams. Some of them quite big. But to each their own time. As for my personal life, I chose to stop fighting God. Because it was exhausting and it made me miserable. I am a christian, that is my identity, the core of my being, and for me, the best thing is to let God navigate this ship.
