This post might come as a surprise from someone whose recent posts talk of great years and amazing memories. Yes, that's all very true. BUT (you all knew this "but" will come) not all of my days are like that. Not everything in my life is perfect. Not everything in my heart is in its rightful place. I choose to count my blessings and focus on all the wonders God makes in my life but I do suffer. I do feel pain. I am brokenhearted and it's not easy to live with. I face things to. I battle them. And I lose. BIG TIME. But through all of that God is blessing me with the grace to see His love above all and be happy in my life as is. And no, I don't like talking about it, I choose not to talk about it, and especially not to anyone. So, as the new year unfolded I experienced some gloomy days. I just felt sad for all the things I lost, the people who weren't in my life, the memories I couldn't relive, the new ones I couldn't make. You know, just one of those moments when you start eating a lot of sweets and watching TV shows. And as I made my way through this I had colleagues tell me I was "sour" and I had to smile and nod through their "well intentions" just because I didn't know what to say. I do pour my heart out in this blog, but if you ever met me, you're either one of those few who know what's in my heart or you're in the group who can't say much more about me than the fact that I drink a lot of coffee, tend to be very arrogant and sarcastic and have the language of a sailor. I just don't answer "How you're doing?" with "I'm falling apart, eating my feelings, missing my loved ones and I basically have no wish to leave my house." - you know, I say "I'm fine, doing my job, taking every day as it comes, nothing much."
As I lived through these past few days I was a bit disappointed with myself. I had a plan of how I wanted to spend my next weekend, I had quite some hopes gathered up, but God stepped in and changed the plan. And that was alright. But however well we learn to navigate this life doing God's will, getting our hopes up for things which aren't meant for us seems to be in our nature. So a part of me was disappointed and sad. Very sad. All I could think about was how this isn't what I had planned and I kept imagining how things could have been if I would've done what I intended to. And I was disappointed with myself. I started to wonder where the girl who was happy with her life and God's doing went? Why couldn't I be happy with the new situation and let go of my silly dreams? Why couldn't I remember how content and peaceful I was just a few days back? And I prayed to God that He would help me get that feeling back. And then something unexpected happened: a simple, unplanned walk with a sister in faith. We hardly ever have time to just walk and talk. But this time we did. And she listened. She listened to as much as I was willing to tell and she didn't interrogate me. She didn't say anything out of the ordinary. She didn't try to fix me or change the way I felt. And just letting some things off my chest was so good for me! As I started talking to her I remembered I was happy with my life. I felt peaceful again. I didn't feel the need to change anything, not even the things which hurt me and make me sad. I accepted them as part of my story. And feeling this great relief and this weight being taken off my chest I realized something: she was my Elizabeth.
You see, when Mary was told by the Angel she was pregnant with Baby Jesus (though she had never been with a man), he also told her about Elizabeth, her cousin, who was also pregnant in her old age. And Mary must have been very frightened at that time, because probably no one was going to believe her and she could've been stoned in the street for it. So Mary left to visit her cousin Elizabeth, hoping that what the Angel told her was true, and that through that she would gain more confidence and clarity. And when Elizabeth saw her, she knew, without Mary saying a word. She knew and she understood. And just being with her and having someone validate her story I think gave Mary a lot of faith and confidence. So this sister of mine was my Elizabeth. And I can only hope I can be that Elizabeth for someone else. And I hope that if you go through something you can't really speak of, or if you feel like no one understands you or validates your story, I hope you find your Elizabeth. I hope you keep your eyes and your heart open for those people you might not expect but who can give you so much peace and courage. I hope you walk all days of your life with courage and faith and you always find that person that helps you re-put everything into perspective.
P.S. Dear Elizabeth, thank you! I am blessed to have had you that day. :)
