The Story of Almah - 6th Chapter

Not far from Almah's home there was a hill. On its top there was a bench facing South and from there Almah could see her Father's Kingdom stretching in the sunlight. Many times she would go there to think and be alone with her thoughts. After a couple of months away from home she went there. The snow had melted and one could see the grass trying to make its way through the earth and into the light. Almah's mind was voided. "Come home" said a familiar voice. J snuck behind her and was circling the bench to come sit beside her. "Come home. I miss you and I know you miss Me. We've always been together. Never in your life have you gone two months without talking to Me. Please, come home." Almah laid her head on her brother's chest. She did want to go home. These two months were necessary and helpful but she missed her family. Any thought she would have, she was used to running it by J. There was nothing He didn't know about her and His presence alone was the most comforting thing in the world. It was impossibly hard to live without Him, she felt horribly incomplete. "You coming home?" He insisted. "Of course I am." she said. "Promise never to go away again? It would break My heart, you know..." - "I promise. But I want to talk to Father. I have complaints to make about my upbringing." - "Complaints? Really?" - "Yes, really. What is this thing that I grew up dreaming of a family of my own, obsessing over finding a husband and getting married and having children? Do you find that normal? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone, in this Kingdom or outside of it? It's excruciating. People are losing their minds trying to find their soulmate. They get together and compromise to the point where they forget who they are and then they break up and drink their minds away, or get married but then are faced with the hardships of life and the diminishing of love and the absence of care and they get divorced and feel pressured to start it all over again. It's incredibly hard. It breaks my heart to see it happen to others, let alone to have it happen to me. Happy families and marriages are a miracle. They truly are. And they should be treated that way. We should be taught that finding a soulmate and living a blessed life together is a miracle and it's based on faith and loyalty and not just affectionate love, but true love, authentic love, self-giving and self-sacrificing love. And we should be taught to be whole by ourselves. To be contempt with who we are on our own. To be happy on our own. To cherish our lives and have a vocation. A meaning that is enough for us even if we may never find someone to share it with." Almah was barely catching a breath while delivering this speech. J looked at her with His big brown eyes. "I'm sure Father would tell you that He's been trying to teach you that your entire life." He said. "Well, I didn't get it. I didn't get it until now and it's been a very very hard lesson to learn. And most parts of it hurt." - "Al, the greatest lessons we get in life hurt." - "Fabulous world we live in, love. Fabulous world." J laughed. "You're still sarcastic... which means you're fine. Oh, and you better put that ring back on. A promise is a promise. We're in this together and no matter where you go or how you break your word, My word stays. So keep that ring on your finger." - "Will do, big brother, will do."

"It's good to have you home." A gentle voice was heard while Almah was roaming around a still garden with shy shades of green making their way out of the Winter. "I wanted to speak with You, Father." she said. "I know, I heard of your speech." He replied. "Come, sit with Me." They sat on a wide cold stone bench around which little white flowers were dropping dew on the earth. "You know," Almah started, "sometimes when I'm out there it feels as if everyone's having it better than me. Everyone in my circle, you know. More talented, more skinny, more beautiful, much more respected and admired, wanted by everyone around them, all of that. It feels like I'm stuck being the sidekick in the corner, never fully regarded or looked up on. And standing there it makes me feel like I haven't got much. I'm not very talented, not very successful, pretty much average in everything, just an anonymous, little weird and socially awkward virgin." Her Father chuckled. "I hate going out there and looking like I ain't got much. Like I'm not really worth much. I have all this. I am a princess. I'm just not a very shiny one." - "Almah, this Kingdom will never appear as a fabulous Instagram story that the world will die for. In fact, it's pretty much us dying for the world. That's how it goes around here." - "I just don't understand why I still feel this way. How did I turn out like this? Where did we go wrong, Father?" - "Wrong? You think we went wrong somewhere?" - "Well, it must be. I mean, I'm not cut out for the world, yet I struggle to be a good daughter to You too. I'm constantly fighting my feelings and desires because they rarely match Yours and sooner rather than later we always end up fighting and I end up feeling like I did everything wrong my entire life." - "Almah." - "What do You see when You look at me, Father?" - "I see my daughter. I see that I've made you good. I did nothing wrong, Almah, I never do, in fact. Everything is as it should be." - "I want to ask You something." Almah said with a breaking voice. "Send me somewhere. Send me somewhere to work for You. I need it, Father. I need to start doing something worthy of this Kingdom and inheritance. I need to start focusing on You and us and our home. I want to." - "Where do you want to go?" - "Somewhere warm and where they speak Spanish." - "So Finland, then." Almah laughed. "I'll think about it. When the time's right." He said. "Whatever that means..." - "Almah..." - "Well, Father, we have different views on time, don't we?" - "You know, I remember this Christmas when you told Melchior you were missing perspective. You were right." her Father said with a hint of a smile. "Thanks, that's great to hear. Really." Almah replied with a frown. "I'm happy you're willing to go." her Father added. "I'm happy too. I'm happy to be home, first. And just so You know, deep inside I also think You did everything perfect. I just get distracted sometimes... most of the times. But I know You make everything good. I count on it. I count on You for everything." - "So you should." Her Father concluded with a smile.

The Story of Almah - 5th Chapter

The night was cold and Almah's hand was freezing on her cigarette. Warm tears were leaving soft marks on her cheeks. She stood silent for a while, trying to gather her thoughts. Through all the fog in her mind things were starting to catch shape and contour and slowly she could see them more clearly. She felt there was only one way out, and that was out of everything. She couldn't go on like this. Melchior, as always, was right. She was divided and she needed to get herself back together. This could not go on. She was bringing shame to her Kingdom, disappointing her Father and using Joe as a tool for her affectionate needs. It was too much. Her heart grew heavy thinking about what she had to do, or more accurate, what she wanted to do. Leaving everything behind seemed so radical and painful. She had never in her life considered leaving her Kingdom. Who was she outside of it? But the same could be asked about who she was inside of it. Her sense of identity was completely lost. Nothing from her history made sense anymore. It was all just a big whirl of neediness and confusion and mixed feelings and false hope and desperate love and it felt suffocating. How would she ever get out of it?
"Father?" she said, focusing her eyes on the dark night. "I'm here, Almah." her Father's voice sounded calm and soothing. "So Joe's out?" He asked. "Yeah. It has to be. It's not love. It's a need for companionship and affection but it's not love. And it's not going anywhere, but You know that." - "I do" He replied. "But it's still up to you. I never forced you into anything." - "I know. But even I know this is the right thing to do." Her Father put His hand around her shoulders. "I have to go." she added. "Are you sure?" He asked her. "I can't do this anymore. I have to realize who I am. Who I want to be. And when I come back, I want to truly be here. Be more worthy. More aware. This is not how being Your daughter is done. I am failing You. I am a failure. I screw up. That's the truth, Father. I'm a screw-up. And it's not the kind of daughter that I want to be. If I live in Your Kingdom and call myself Your daughter, I should behave like one. And I'm not. And You know that. I can't keep failing You. I have to leave." Her Father looked her in the eyes with deep love and a sense of compassion. He needn't say anything. "I do love You, Father." ... "You know," he finally said, "every time we would get to a point where we would disagree and you, as you have all your life, would feel like you want to walk out and leave, you would always ask me one thing: Don't let me go." Almah looked into her Father's eyes: "I know. I remember. That's why I have to ask you now: let me go. I beg You, let me go. I need to go." - "You can go, Almah. You are free. But we will miss you. This is your home, this is where you belong. Yet you are free. I let you go."
Almah turned from her Father with a broken heart and left. She didn't want to face J., she simply couldn't. She took her ring out, the one they had bought together, the one that symbolized that they would always be beside each other and their bond would always come first, and put it in a safe place. Until she would return home (and deep in her heart Almah wanted to return home) she couldn't wear that ring. By leaving she had broken that promise and she would put it back on once she would make a new and lasting promise to her brother.
"You let her go?" J. stormed to His Father. "She's free." He answered. "She's dumb!" J. shouted. "She's gonna get hurt!". And J had tears in His eyes. "You can watch over her from a distance. But let her experience what she must. Trust her. I gave her all she needs. She'll figure it out when it is time."

The Story of Almah - 4th Chapter

4th Chapter

Almah rushed into her home, trying to organize herself as quickly as possible. While at it, she briefly texted J I'm sorry I got in so late, I have to run now, Dominic's mother is in town, they want me to join them for a walk. We'll catch up later. Dominic was sort of Almah's friend, with the only mention that his associate, Jack, was a jackass. Sorry, that's what Almah would say. I'll formulate it again. Dominic's associate, Jack, was the only man in the Kingdom who managed to conquer and then break Almah's heart. All others were from outside the Kingdom, so Almah found in herself the excuse and the power to forgive them. But as much as she tried, she could never forgive Jack. Sometimes she thought she did, but other times, it was just so obvious that she didn't. Jack was a great guy. He had a lot of fire. And a lot of blood. He drove Almah really mad and crazy, he pissed her off half of the time. But the other half, he supported her and understood her. He made her feel special in her own way and appreciated for who she was. And she hated him for it, because he was never supposed to make her feel that way if he wasn't going to stay with her on this journey. So Almah had to meet him, while her relationship with Joe was on the rocks and her mind as foggy as a cold December evening.
"We heard you have a boyfriend" Dominic's mother said. "Yes, I do", Almah said with a forced smile. She hated talking about Joe to people from the Kingdom, for they always inquired about Joe's intentions. "He's not in the Kingdom, is he?"- Great! The questions continued as Almah's anxiety was already to a boiling point. "No, he's not" she replied. "Hmmm, that will be very difficult" his mother continued, "but then again, a woman has a lot of power." - "Yes, but this one is kind of dumb" Dominic interfered on a joking tone, which, with all the love in the world, made Almah feel like shit. She knew very well Dominic was right, just as she knew she did not have the power of which his mother was talking. But while she had no idea how long will she remain with Joe and this torturing uncertainty was driving her nuts, this conversation was the worst. And that Xanax pill (a whole one, this time) did not wait for long. Jack seemingly added "You women can make a man suffer very easily. You just tell him, whether you're in or you're in." Right. Like that ever worked for Almah. The main reason all these conversations were so painful for Almah was that she always felt none of this was her choice. She didn't choose a man outside her Kingdom on purpose, he was the only one to want her. And when she did choose a man from her Kingdom he became her greatest disappointment, leading to a year of anguish and disorientation. She didn't choose for Joe to be completely against her Kingdom and her Father. She didn't choose to be neither a rebel and a failure, neither a princess. It all happened to her, and the only thing that was her choice was not fighting it. Because she couldn't. She couldn't fight it anymore. She wanted Jack. She wanted someone like Jack, at least. Someone in the Kingdom, who would stand by her side in all matters. It was so easy for people to presume things went smoothly for Almah outside her Kingdom. Or that it would be just so easy to give everything up and live outside. Or just as easy give Joe an ultimatum and tell him that if he wanted Almah he had to follow her. Or keep a "by the Book" relationship with Joe. Yeah, people talked like all these decisions were a piece of cake. Maybe for others they were, but not for Almah. And now she was pissed. Very pissed. She bared the 2 hours walk and then head straight for Joe's house. She was sorry she didn't defend their relationship better, but how could she when she herself didn't believe in it anymore? She needed so bad to hear those stupid I love you or at least You're precious to me or You're valuable to me words but these never came. She would question herself every night she spent in his house. She would also feel so drawn to him. She was so divided, just like Melchior said, that it felt like it was going to kill her eventually. And this meeting with Dominic and Jack had been a terrible idea. And because no bad day could end well, after a lovely dinner with some friends, Joe had fallen back into his bad mood, leaving Almah with no conversation and therefore no other choice than to get into her mind and analyze this awful day. But she couldn't do it alone.

The Story of Almah - Daughter of The King, Chapters 2 and 3

2^nd Chapter

“Still here?” J asked on a friendly tone. “Nah… again here.” Almah replied. “How come You only come to me when I’m doing laundry?” she asked. “Your mind is more clear. And you pay more attention to me. I don’t know… laundry makes you think better, so I prefer to come to you in moments like these. So things got better, huh? You melted Grinch’s heart?” – “I don’t know if I melt it, but yes, things are better.” Almah said with a smile. “Yet you’re still concerned.” J added. “I’m iffy.” – “Is that even a word?” – “Actually it is… I’m having mixed feelings. I’m happy things are good with Joe, but that doesn’t mean they are right.” – “You’ll figure it out when the time comes. Just remember, my birthday is still about Me.” J concluded with a smile and kissing her forehead like always, left.

Almah was the youngest and wildest sister of J. She did not choose to be a princess. She was born one, but there was something in her personality that made her rebel against this faith very often. She lived in the happiest Kingdom of all and her Father was the best and most powerful King, but even though He wished all people would live in His Kingdom He would never force anyone. That meant that the only way for the Kingdom to expand was by sharing the experience of its inhabitants with the rest of the world. And Almah had been born to do that. It was her mission to let the world know that the best place to be was in the Kingdom. And although she believed it with all her heart, accomplishing that mission was something she felt she was failing to do.

“Come, let’s take a walk.” Said a familiar voice. “Coffee?” – “Always” Almah replied taking the paper cup from her companion’s hand. “So, how are your preparations going?” – “Behind schedule, of course.” – “What’s missing?” – “My perspective?” – “Ha ha ha… well, only you could know that.” – “I got your first two letters yesterday, you know.” – “Oh, cool. Kids still asking for a bunch of Noriel stuff to increase your anxiety?” – “Not these ones, you’ll enjoy these, they have drawings.” And taking two letters out of her purse, Almah gave them to him. “Remember what I told you last year?” – “Yeah…” – “Did you do that?” – “Melchior…” – “I’m serious. I was serious last year too.” – “I know.” – “So?” – “So I didn’t find what I was searching for, but I managed to lose what I thought I had, too.” – “Good.” – “Good?” – “Good. Losing what you thought you had is the first step to finding what you need to find.” Almah stared into Melchior’s eyes, her old wise friend. “You’re going out again, right?” – “Yes.” Almah said on a serious tone. “Be careful. Compromise in faith is never good. Yes, I know, people will say we are fanatics. But it’s not about that. Compromise in faith makes you crippled, divided. You have one foot here and the other one outside. You coming and going in and out of your home would be nothing bad, if your heart would not be divided. But your heart is divided. I can hear it break inside of you right now. I see how your eyes are tired and your mind is tired, because you cannot make your own mind - it’s tossing and turning caught between two worlds. You want to be happy, but you also have to stay true to your identity. And, like it or not, you’re a princess. You were born to be a messenger to your Father, to this Kingdom. You tried many times to escape this, but this is who you are. And going out there and denying yourself, that’s what’s breaking you.” – “I’m sorry, where’s Balthazar? He gave me pistachios.” Almah asked while trying to smile. “Everybody here wants what’s best for you, Almah. And even if it doesn’t seem like it, we do want you to be happy. All of us. And especially Your Father.” – “I know. But I still feel stuck.” – “I’m afraid you’ll be feeling like that for a while. You’ll be feeling like that until you figure out deep inside of you what you want and make a decision. The right decision will make you free.” Almah nodded but was incapable of saying anything. “Be good if you can.” Melchior added.

Almah headed outside. The Kingdom didn’t have clear borders. And it didn’t have any fences. It was open for everyone to come in and out as they wished. Some lived right at the joining point between the Kingdom and the rest of the world. Some lived in the man’s land, but very close to the Kingdom. And some, like Joe, lived a bit further away. Joe was a good man, a righteous man, one that sought justice and peace. He had a big heart, and like all men with a big heart, he was disappointed by something and he never talked about it. He was intelligent, and like all smart men, he was skeptical about the Kingdom. For intelligent men don’t want to listen to somebody else, even more so, they don’t want to listen to a King. Almah had to stray far from her home to meet him, passing through all sorts of areas. Usually, she would leave her true identity behind and go as one of the travelers. Some knew who Almah was, some always wondered. Almah, herself, always wondered. She felt good in the world. She connected to so many different people and she loved all of them. But as she was walking the long distance to Joe’s house she would always wonder if she could ever get used to living so far away from her home. If she could ever settle for not being who she was meant to be. If she could ever forgive herself for giving up her heritage. All these thoughts roamed around her mind. She liked the world. She loved Joe. She loved his house. But a still small voice always reminded her that she wasn’t home.

…

“What’cha doin’?” J asked on a cheery tone, appearing out of nowhere behind Almah. “Just because You can resurrect people doesn’t mean You have to scare them to death.” She replied while her heart was pounding. “Haha, good one. What are you baking?” – “Nutellotti.” – “I suppose that means they’re made with Nutella…” – “D’ooh!” – “Sounds good. What’s wrong?” – “I’m behind schedule… I didn’t get everything done yet AND I never know what cake to bake you.” – “I like everything you’re baking, you know that!” – “Yeah, but it’s Your birthday and…” – “You’ve been away for long and you want to make it up to me?” – “Yeah, something like that.” – “Al, relax. The only thing that matters to me is for us to spend this evening together.” – “How are things around there?” Almah asked while her hands were molding small balls from a very brown dough. “You know, same old. I had to prevent Nick from a meltdown.” – “Freaking out over the Santa Clauses?” – “Get a saint with OCD to face one of history’s biggest inaccuracies… How’s Joe?” – “Busy. Cleaning the house, stuff like that.” – “Did you invite him over?” – “You know he wouldn’t come.” – “D’oh, but it’s important that he knows we love him. And we care about him.” – “I don’t think he believes that.” – “Then show him.” – “What?” – “Show him our true nature. Show him that he’s important to us. Al, you’re my favorite sister. I wouldn’t give you to just anybody if I didn’t have a plan, wouldn’t I?” – “What? J…!” But J already turned and left the kitchen. J was just like His Father. He never revealed His plans completely, and most of the times, His plans were very different from what anyone would imagine. Almah continued her baking and her feelings about this Christmas were getting more and more mixed up.

            

3^rd Chapter

Almah was in her room finishing her make-up when she heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” J opened the door and stopped in front of it, measuring Almah. She was wearing a dark blue dress with a small white wool vest. Her hair was falling on her shoulders and you could see a bit of blue around her eyes coming out from behind her glasses. “You look so pretty!” J said. “You think?” – “Always.” He smiled and walked straight to the table where the nutellotti were placed on a tray. “No, no, wait!” Almah shouted behind Him. “What? Don’t tell me you won’t let me eat them until midnight!” – “No, I just need to add a little something” and she went to take something out of her drawer. “Oh, did I tell you I sent some milk and cookies in Nick’s room? Just to tease him…” and they both started laughing. “Poor Nick…” Almah added. “Here!” – she took one of the nutellotti and put a small candle in the middle of it and lit it. She continued while giving J the cookie: “You’re not just my brother. You’re my best friend. My life companion. You’re the one who’s always there for me, whether I’m doing good or complete shit. You never give up on me, no matter how many times I give up on both of us and all this Kingdom. You always loved me. And I love you first, no matter how far from home I ever get. Happy birthday, J!” J took the cookie, blew the candle and gave Almah a hug. “Wanna dance?” He asked and turned on a song. “Fairytale of New York?” Almah asked surprised. “You like this song?” – “No,” J answered. “I find it very offensive, actually, but I know you like it. And it’s good for dancing. We can play roles!” Throughout the song J would ask her “You really like this?” – “Yes, it’s bittersweet. And I’m used to bittersweet Christmases, You know!” – “Haha, ok, I’ll give you that!” – “Thanks!” When the song was finished, J took Almah’s hand and said “Let’s go, or we’ll be late again!” – “Yeah, yeah, I also have to confess before the Mass starts.” Almah added. – “Oh, trust me, I know you have to confess!” J said chuckling. “Merry Christmas, J!” – “Merry Christmas, little dove!”. J

The story of Almah - Daughter of the King

            First Chapter

It was the 22^nd of December and Almah was sitting in the middle of the laundry room. She had just taken her first half of a Xanax pill and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Clothes were scattered all around and the washing machine was waiting suffocated to be emptied. J, her Brother, walked in. “I did not expect to see you here.” He said. “I told You I’d be home for Christmas…” Almah replied without looking Him in the eyes. “Al...” J started while kneeling down beside her. “This is not how it was supposed to be.” Almah said, and her eyes got even fuller with tears. “If anything, I would have never thought you’ll flood the laundry room with tears…” J said. Almah smiled but her crying got even worse. “This is not how it was supposed to be” she said again. J continued on His joking tone: “By now, you should have known that things in this Kingdom don’t go as people planned them. We do have a King.” – “And His first born Son has a very fine sense of humor” she replied. “Al…“ J continued, “every year you try to make this big fuss about my birthday only to get here 3 days before and freak out on everyone for everything that didn’t go according to your plan. I hate to ruin this for you, but My birthday is actually about Me.” This time Almah was really laughing. “Yeah, I figured… but then explain to me, why does everyone feel the need to make such a big masquerade about it when they don’t even have a clue who You are?” – “Why does it bother you they do?” – “It never bothered You?” – “Why would it bother Me? Most of them do good. They try harder. They care about the others. They do nice stuff. They don’t do it for Me, but I’m not jealous like that.” J concluded smiling. “Well, I found Grinch. And trust me, he couldn’t care less about You and apparently about me either.” “Al, you know that ain’t true.” “Ain’t?” Almah repeated with a disapproving tone. “Did you go visit your bros in the Bronx?” she asked while laughing. “That’s all you got?” J replied. “Yeah, well, you’re the Big J.C.” and she put out her tongue. J rolled His eyes, took a deep breath and continued: “I was telling you that what you said IS NOT true. Joe’s a good man, and you know that. But “each shall seek its own kind”. “You’re seriously quoting Fiddler on the roof to me?” Almah asked while taking a pause. But she knew very well what J meant with those words. Each shall seek its own kind. In other words, a bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together? J got up from the floor and started folding the laundry. “I know you wished for a different Christmas. Last year you wrote me a letter that you’re skipping my birthday.” – “But I changed my mind afterwards…” Almah interfered. “Yes, you did. Though I know you did it more for the Three Kings than for me” J winked. “Shut up.” Almah said with a smile in the corner of her mouth. “Stop interrupting me, I had something to tell you.” J resumed. “You wanted to skip my birthday last year because you were sick of coming alone. This year you hoped you’ll have a perfect Christmas with Joe. But turns out you’re dating Grinch, haha… you gotta love our Father’s humor” J said while turning to see Almah’s reaction. “Yeah, I love it, don’t I?” she said while trying to keep a straight face.” “Al, you know very well that the problem is not that this Christmas is gonna suck for you just like all others. And I can’t believe I’m saying this! The real problem is that you’ve been away from home for too long. You don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t know where you’re going or what you want to do in this world and in this Kingdom. You are not happy. Al, you went out to find your happiness and although you had it for a little while, now it’s gone. And you feel lost. And that’s ok. But if you want to be happy this Christmas you have to trust Me. And you don’t really trust Me, don’t you?” J looked Almah deep in her brown eyes. They had the same eyes. He kissed her forehead and said “I have to go now. I’ll see you later.” And Almah went on with her laundry going over and over the last words J said to her. She didn’t trust Him. Why couldn’t she trust Him?