I wrote in a previous post how I love the Feast of the Three Kings. And I do. This year though a lot of work and stress gathered up and since I had to postpone my own work to prepare for the Feast I experienced a bit of frustration and anxiety. But once I let go of that and realized that my contribution to the Feast was helpful to a lot of people I was really looking forward to meeting the Three Kings (yeah, they actually come and they barely speak Romanian so I'm their translator). And since it's my third year as the Kings's translator I too, just like the kids, write a letter to the Kings. Tradition says the letter should contain a narration of an event of the past year in which I experienced God's love and that I should also ask for a special grace and a gift.
I'm not gonna tell you all that I wrote in my letter. But after the kids met the Three Kings and spoke with them it was time for the adults to approach the Kings... not many adults were willing, which is quite weird - why we grown-ups have such little faith. But since I was there translating and I had written a letter (which, with my lack of faith I left at home for I feared actually showing it to the Kings) I asked the Kings whether they wanted to talk to me too. And Melchior asked me what did I ask for in my letter. And I said I wished for grace to see the will of God. And Melchior asked me again: "Do you seek God?" and I hesitantly replied smiling for I was very off-guard: "I try... I think so, yes..." but Melchior asked me once again: "Do you seek God seriously? Seek him, with seriousness, and all other things will be given to you." And as I tried to smile and nod "Yes" he kept on repeating "Seek God, seek Him, seriously." And he said that several times and I kept feeling smaller and smaller... There I was, the translator of the Kings, always smiling and joking and amusing, looking like one who does not search for God with seriousness. This fact makes me feel very small and altogether outside of faith. Like one who does not know God at all. And as I came home I kept replaying the scene in my mind "Seek God. Do you seek God?" - "What should I have answered? Do I seek God? I think, I mean, I don't know, I try to do His will, but I don't know what it is, so how do I know? How do I search for God?"... Truth is, I don't think I searched for God much. I think I kind of took Him for granted. He's here, he's always with me, we're in a relationship, why would I search for Him? But if I'm in a relationship with God how come I have no idea what He wants from me and my life? How come I always feel this foggy, like nothing's really clear to me and I'm never quite happy? How come I have no idea which way my life's going and if I'm doing the right thing and going in the right direction at all? Maybe it's because I don't really listen to God. I'm not really trying to find out His will. I'm just trying to see if His will is going to be doing mine. If He's going to do things my way and grant me my wishes. And that's not searching for God. And that's not faith. So now I ask "Melchior, where and how do I search for God?"...
