Will You be upset if I skip Your birthday this year?

This year I didn't celebrate my birthday with a party. I was too busy and too stressed studying for the project that changed my life completely. I had lunch or dinner (can't remember) with my parents and that was it. And I really don't mind and I don't regret it at all. And so was 2 years ago and 4 years ago when I had an exam on my birthday. I'm just not obsessed about having a huge party or celebration.
But I do love Advent. And please note, Advent, not Christmas. And the Feast of the Three Kings on the 6th of January. I love that too.
I love Advent because it makes me believe a miracle will happen very soon. It makes me prepare and anticipate (and I loooooove anticipating!) and it makes me wait with excitement and hope and feel like happiness is just around the corner, just 4 weeks, then 3 weeks, then 2 weeks, one week, a couple of days... today... and it doesn't happen. I am sad, I am sorry, and as a christian I am ashamed to say, the last time I was completely happy on Christmas Day was 4 years ago in 2011, but then on the 27th of 2011 I started writing the most painful piece of prose I ever wrote. And since then, although I waited for it, although I prepared, although I made everything (not just silly decorations and sweets, I fasted, I prayed, I did "my job") and I was O.K. for Christmas, I wasn't truly happy. And no matter how much I tried to make it about Jesus and His birthday and His birth inside my heart, I still felt alone and sad.
So here I am, in the second week of Advent, on the night before waking up at 5 am to go to the Rorate mass, trying to picture how in the world will I be happy this Christmas, praying with all the strength I have left for a miracle, trying to figure out how the miracle will be (see the stupidity???) and in the end crying my eyes out that I just want to skip this Christmas.
Yes, my dearest Jesus, I want to skip Your birthday this year. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't celebrate your birthday alone again, I can't spend Christmas Day trying with all my guts to smile and to be happy and to make it about You when I know, and You know, and we both know, that I'll wish I was somewhere else. This year I don't care about decorations, I don't care about sweets and carols and presents and snow. I like those things, yes, but they don't matter anymore. They can't fill the void anymore. All I wish is that I wouldn't be alone, I don't need anything, I don't need one little led light, not even a candle, not the smallest one. I just don't want to be alone in my home looking at a Christmas tree that won't mean a thing. Instead I prefer an empty house, as dark as it can be, but knowing that I hold the hand of the man that I love in mine.
And this is very selfish, but it's the sincerest thing I've ever told You, my Beloved: I don't have enough faith to think You'll make me happy. And I don't want to celebrate Your birthday being sad, I just can't cry another Christmas through again. So can we skip Your birthday this year? I just don't think I can make it. I'm so so sorry and I do love You, but I don't want to come to another birthday of Yours alone.
Always Yours,
C.